Just wondering about the big picture.

Do you ever wonder why you do what you do? Do you stop to ask yourself 'why' do I have this hobby, this job, my partner, and so on? This weekend I participated in a YogaFit training workshop. I went in with the intention of learning how to better myself as a yoga instructor and came away with the intention to commit to being more selfish with my self-care. Somehow I get lost at times in the big picture of things. Not getting lost as in how the heck did I get here. But lost in the sense that I forget to take care of me ... after all I am in the big picture.


I've recently downloaded a book by Elizabeth Lesser Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. Driving here & there I will put it on and listen. As I was listening last night she spoke of going through hard times, fear, and other emotions/life events to get to a place of happiness. As she was speaking my mind began to wander and I realized where this recent feeling of 'funk' has come from. 12 years ago this week my divorce was final. This next Friday, if we were still married, it would have been our 27th anniversary. Is a divorce really final? In my opinion and what I've experienced ... no. Yes the marriage is over legally but the emotions and so much more continue for years to come. There is a grieving process of a great loss. There is a sadness for what as a family we will not share & experience together.

As I look back I would have never believed at the time that ...

there was light at the end of the tunnel
I would find happiness again as an individual
I would experience happiness, love & joy with another person
I would put one foot in front of the other
I could grow spiritually & emotionally
and I would be able to look back with happiness & sadness vs. hate & a gripping, painful sadness.

Recently a friend shared with me her pain of divorce and what she is experiencing. I listened, hearing the pain & sadness of my own experience. I listened. I listened. And, I listened. I wanted so much to say ... "Hey, you're going to get through this .... really." I didn't. I don't know how her road will look. I didn't know how my road would look. I didn't believe others when they would say "You'll get through this". Each of us walks the path in different ways ... one thing I have learned is that none of us walk that straight ahead on that path. I took many detours, walked in circles, sat down to rest, cried, held my head high, slumped, was held up by my faith in God, held hands with friends, laughed, journaled, did nothing, slept, and loved. What do I tell my friend? I tell her that I am here for her. I hug her. I share my past hurts while letting her know she will have her own experience. I remind her to take care of herself and not let herself get lost in the big picture of life.

As I continue to wonder about the big picture in life I will continue to walk one foot in front of the other. I will continue to live, laugh & love. I will remain open to opportunities & possibilities in my life.